


Asparagus can be your greatest friend in the long run

by TFALokiwriter



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Asparagus - Freeform, Based on a Tumblr Post, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, attempt at crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-28 12:01:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10830870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TFALokiwriter/pseuds/TFALokiwriter
Summary: Star trek: the fear of a living asparagus comes true.





	Asparagus can be your greatest friend in the long run

"Bones, please," Jim plead.  
  
 "Ya terrified about asparagus and ya bothered not to tell me?" McCoy asked, hurt.  
  
 "A living, walking asparagus,"  Jim said. "that's not a big fear."  
  
McCoy's arched eyebrows furrowed together.  
  
"That's it, I am goin' to help ya with that!" McCoy made his way out of their quarters."Carpe diem!"  
  
 Jim rubbed his forehead.

Did he just make a terrible choice of telling his big fear to his boyfriend?  
  
Probably. Jim took off his civvies then went off to the closet. He saw the familiar pair of blue and golden shirts that McCoy had added in as his personal touch for a shared quarters together. They were going to get married after the five year mission. And still be Captain Kirk. And Doctor McCoy. They liked each others last names too much to part ways for the other to match. Jim took out his golden two piece uniform  with the pants dangling from underneath. He slid his civilian uniform off placing it onto the side of the bed. He carefully slid on the ripable uniform on with great care. If he flexed his arm then the shirt would rip. But not the regulation shirt. He put the civilian attire into the laundry dispensary. He zipped the side of his boots up.  
  
The captain came out of his quarters to be greeted by Spock.

Spock was standing feet away from the doorway with his hands linked behind his back.

Spock  was a lot like a dog that could patiently wait for its master to return.

In a way, Spock reminded Jim of the legendary dog Hachiko.

A very common dog breed Akita.  
  
"Greetings, captain," Spock said. "I have finished the report from the lab regarding the Flouei Decahiien's native homelife and it came back inconclusive if what the animals deliver is poison."  
  
"We lost a security officer to them," Jim said.  
  
"Perhaps it is a allergy," Spock offered. "It is the only logical explanation."  
  
"So if it bit me, would  I die?" Jim asked.  
  
"Your allergies are different, captain," Spock said.  
  
"And my security officer's are?" Jim asked.  
  
"It has deviated from what we know of," Spock said. "it only comes up with nuts. What type is unsure."  
  
"So peanut venom,"  Jim said, rubbing the back of his neck.  
  
"Indeed," Spock said. "and you do not share the same allergy," the two men came down the hallway side by side. "the beast that attacked you yesterday turned out to be a alien deviation in the collie species and so is its partner . . ." Spock paused. "I noticed the doctor left in a hurry. Did you have another argument?"  
  
"No," Jim said. "I just told him something that you would consider illogical."  
  
"That would be true," Spock said. "as are many humanity's culture."  
  
Jim smiled at Spock.  
  
"I am glad you are my friend, Spock," Jim said. "you are, frankly, the best friend I ever had."  
  
Spock nodded his head.

"I share the same belief," Spock said. "would you like to hear the rest of the results?"  
  
"Go ahead," Jim said, looking over toward the Vulcan with a beaming supernova like smile that was radiating. "I did ask for you to give me the report anyhow yesterday," he shook his head. "I should get it all heard today."  
  
"Excellent," Spock said, scrolling on the padd.

* * *

It was only three hours later that shit hit the fan. Jim was leaned against the rock with one leg bandage up by a collection of leaves and the other had long scrapes that were healing. McCoy looked over the rocky surface holding a phaser in one hand looking over the side. Jim's yellow shirt was in tatters acting as  bandage while his black regulation shirt was remarkably well in tact. He looked quite beaten up with a bruise to the side of his face right at his right eye. Looked like he had been choked earlier as it had been for many times facing off with villains. He winced in pain. McCoy looked over the direction of the man.  
  
"Jim. . ." McCoy said. "there is no way you could have known."  
  
"That man has taken control of my first officer," Jim said. "I am going to kill him."  
  
"I won't let ya," McCoy said. "there is a better way."  
  
 "Spock would not forgive us if we didn't act," Jim said. "and spared him of being s slave, a host, to someone else in his head controlling him. If we didn't try," he briefly closed his eyes. "Len. . I. . a. . . ." McCoy placed a hand on the man's shoulder. "I don't know what to do without him, Vulcans are hardly in Star Fleet anymore. Busy reproducing Vulcanlets. . ." he cleared his throat. "and Spock . . . he is just incredible."  
  
"He has guts," McCoy said. "and he knows where he belongs. Like a lion findin' its pack or a dog or a cat findin' anew owner. They just know these thin's," he shrugged while taking out what appeared to be a asparagus with a colorful tip. "I got an idea how we can safely save his life."  
  
 "How?" Jim asked.  
  
"Vulcans are telepathic," McCoy said.  
  
Yes," Jim said.  
  
 "And whatever that guy was. . . he isn't, he transferred through that rock," the doctor said. "Vulcans are very hard to get rid. Stubborn to die," he shook the item from side to side. "and if ya became a vegetable wouldn't that mean whoever was inside you would let go because there isn't a organic brain to latch onto?"  
  
"Bones!" Jim said. "you are a genius!"  
  
Jim brought the doctor into a kiss.  
  
"Ah geez," McCoy said, as the kiss broke off. "I haven't told ya how to get aboard the Enterprise."  
  
"There is a transporter a few miles away," Jim said.  
  
"Do ya know transwarp?" McCoy asked.  
  
"No, do you?" Jim asked.  
  
"I have a rough idea from drinking with Scotty and listenin' to him complainin'," McCoy said.

"Thank god for your drinking games!" Jim said.  
  
McCoy looked at Jim like a lightbulb went off in his head.  
  
"Hold still," McCoy said.  
  
"What--" Jim started as the doctor slapped the asparagus hypo into the man's neck. "AAHHHHH!!!!" the doctor took the asparagus off the man's neck to check if it were still clean from injecting it. "What was that for?"  
  
"Your fear of asparagus," McCoy said. "I helped you taste it, I helped your start a healthy diet, and I am goin' to help ya with this as your partner."  
  
Jim's eyes rolled as he groaned falling  to the man's shoulder. McCoy slid the asparagus hypospray into his knapsack then picked up the young man into his arms. Remarkably, for a man his age, McCoy was able to run against the speed of the wind letting the surroundings turn to a blurr. Jim's hands turned a shade of dark green. His fingers merged together into a spear like shape with 'v' shaped marks becoming instead tendrils. His hair fell off his head as it curled, bended, and moved up into a spear. His ears merged into his skull. His  chin remained the same. His bold, buffy eyebrows remained the same as well. His closed eyes remained closed. And his mouth remained. McCoy came to the station that was seemingly abandoned for any life.  
  
"Hello?" McCoy called. "ah damn it!"  
  
McCoy kicked open the guidance system.  
  
"Transporter room!" McCoy demanded.  
  
"Two turns to the left, first hall to the right, second door to the left," the computer replied.  
  
"Computer, turn off," McCoy said. The computer deactivated as the doctor fled.  
  
He made his way into the transporter room panting. He placed the transformed human male onto the transporter padd. He looked onto the screen then made the necessary adjustments inputting a code by hand and with the keypad. The scotsman had gone to great lengths to display how it was done even with his flawed slurring. He pressed a few buttons more and hit activate. He made his way to his boyfriend's side bringing him up onto his feet. They vanished in a golden haze of light. Jim groaned as they reappeared on the engineering deck where Scotty was doing a scheduled inspection with Kevin Riley by his side who appeared to be perplexed. Then the Irish man fainted. The scotsman's eyes widened and his jaw nearly fell.  
  
"Len!" Scotty cried. "Ye supposed to be dead."

"Ya don't say," McCoy said. "keep it discreet."  
  
"But should I tell the others?" Scotty asked.  
  
"Discreet," McCoy said.  
  
 "Aye, I will tell Nyota through the report system," Scotty said, with a nod. He took out his small padd and jotted down on it.  
  
The two men made their way past the scotsman and several other engineers.

The two men went into a turbo lift nearby the walk way.

McCoy pressed a button.

The turbo lift went up as he could hear the hum of the engines beneath his feet. The throbbing of the Enterprise moved in harmony. That was the best part abut Spock. It sounded so musical once you got used to being on a starship. Once adjusted to it, and getting back adjusted to earth bound life, it was hard getting to sleep. The doctor knew first hand about that during his day as a cadet and having some assignments on starships in space. Jim and McCoy shared some in space assignments but not all of them. Final year cadets spent the rest of their studying on a starship.  McCoy liked to bet that Jim would have been assigned as a lieutenant to the USS Ferragut if the damn psychopathic Romulan hadn't intervened. McCoy probably would have been part of that assignment. Failing the Kobyashi Maru three times meant he 'died' that at least one of those times McCoy wasn't part of the simulation. Which lead to his current vow of never leaving his boyfriend alone in space on his ass.  Jim regained consciousness.  
  
"Thank you for turning me into a asparagus," Jim said. "I am going to make you suffer for this!"  
  
"Don't be so melodramatic," McCoy said. "I am sure no one will notice."  
  
"Coffee, captain?" Janice apperated out of thin air right next to the man's side.  
  
"Not right now," Jim said.  
  
"I will take it,"  McCoy said, gladly taking the cup.  
  
"I will make my evening rounds in a few hours if you change your mind," Janice said, with a glowing look about her then went past the two men.

"And you said no one will notice," Jim said.

"This is nothing compared to the shit ya get into on a weekly basis," McCoy said.

"I don't get changed into a vegetable!" Jim protested.

"Says the kid who was turned into a goat," McCoy said. "at least on one occasion! And turned into  a crushable piece of rock."

"But I hate being a vegetable," Jim said.

"So did the people in the 21st century and the centuries before that, sweetie," McCoy said. 

* * *

Spock felt trapped in his body. The being who had manipulated their way into his body had complete, utter control. Was that how easy he could be controlled? Was he compromised to the core of being easily taken out mentally? He had costed the lives and possibly the careers of those he knew to carry out a mission that this alien, a very old one, wanted. A form of revenge. It was a fascinating piece of history standing before him. One that he studied with permission articulating and absorbing every piece of information to note it down once the guard has been lowered. He was doing remarkably well learning the history of what it had done. Almost done but he suspected that this fascinating, yet complex idiot would get himself killed within the first year on a federation vessel.  
  
Failed empires.  
  
Failed rescues.  
  
Failed conquests.  
  
Failed over throws.    
  
A failed kingdom.  
  
 This was a utter failure.  
  
 A complete failed entity trying to gain power.  
  
One who had discipline and great intellect but he did not use it to his advantage but instead thought he had everything planned out. Everything was taken care of. No one would dare cross him. Arrogant son of a bitch. It was his great downfall.  His downfall would be repeated surely once more. History tended to repeat itself. There was silence in the room that was unpleasant. The two men had stopped operating on their consoles. The idiot didn't really know that was a red flat. He fell a cool hand placed onto his shoulder. A mind touched his mind. It was a familiar voice to the person who he argued with on a daily basis and complimented on sounding Vulcan with his endearing insults. It went more along like: _I sincerely hope this works_. Another hand full of warmth and hope placed onto his shoulder.  
  
Immediately, his thoughts jumped to: _Jim! McCoy! They live_.  
  
Spock looked up to see a asparagus with a face. It was almost horrifying but indeed fascinating to the Vulcan. It made his heart jump as he mentally stepped back at the horrifying sight. Humans were cruel pranksters when it came to Halloween but this wasn't a costume. Real, organically hard concrete proof that a human could be morphed into a plant like being. He thought back to the earlier event from the man's door with the doctor. Jim caught sight of a short lived smile on the Vulcan's face. Spock experienced a familiar feeling that he had came across time and time again as first officer to the Enterprise. A small, warm feeling that made him believe in the future. The doctor had dealt with planet biology regarding to the asparagus in the timely manner.  
  
"Get off my chair," came Jim's voice from the asparagus.  
  
"Hold onto your ass," McCoy stabbed Spock  into the neck. Sorry, the doctor apologized.  
  
Jim tossed the man off the chair knocking him to the floor as the Vulcan let out a primal scream.  
  
"You are the minority, Mr Grayles," Jim said. "the people you targeted are the majority and you will never, ever, ever harm a person."  
  
"This host is not like you!" Grayles said.  
  
"Half  Vulcan," McCoy said. "what did ya expect?"  
  
"AhhHH!" Grayles screamed.  
  
"Security take him to sick bay," Jim said. "wait until he is done screaming though."  
  
"NOO, AAHHH, STOP THIS, IT'S AHAH, NOO, STOP THIS,"  Grayles screamed.  
  
"Then leave our Vulcan alone and pick on someone ya own size," McCoy walked over toward the morphing Vulcan.  
  
Spock experienced a new feeling when it came to the doctor  
  
"Over my dead body," Grayles said.  
  
"Ya died a lon' time ago," McCoy said, his arms folded. "and that body belon's to the man who was born with it before ya came alon'."  
  
"Ahhh!" Grayles winced, his eyes closed, as two security officers gathered around the man losing consciousness. Fuller and Corbin were the two officers. The grip on the Vulcan's body was slowly starting to relax and release easily enough that his body began to relax. The Vulcan jumped at the opportunity to thank them. "nemiayo," His brain was obviously changing to a different design that the entity was not familiar to in terms of adapting memory wise, character wise, and organ wise. "No."  
  
Grayles eyes closed, weakly.  
  
"Good job, Bones," Jim said, slapping the man's shoulder with a smile. "now how do we get back to normal."  
  
"Good question, ask Hikaru," McCoy said. "I engineered it. Didn't intend to use it for a emergency like this."  
  
"Mr Sulu?" Jim said, looking off toward the helmsmen as a dark cloud hovered above the captain's head as we can see a delighted smile from the botanist. "Help."

 **The End.**

**Author's Note:**

> And there is obligated to be a third one to tidy everything up.
> 
> Nemiayo=thank you.


End file.
